“Work hard. Everything else will fall into place.”
Told to me by my dad’s third ex-wife, whose daughter was a doctor. I earned Cs and Ds throughout school because I didn’t do homework. I didn’t study. I was (and still kind of am) an unserious person. But if to change that, all I had to focus on was the one directive to “work hard,” then I was game.
The clarity and simplicity cleared away all the perfectionist bullshit that had been holding me back, and the semester following Step-mom’s advice, I earned all As and one low B (in 10th grade geometry.)
I’m still surprised at how effective it was, but by the next semester, I was back to my old patterns.
I’ve tried to recapture that energy many times. It works in spurts. A variation on this advice is to forget about the outcome – just do the work. If I could have had that hard-wired into me from an early age – being appreciated for showing up and giving it my best shot, irrespective of the result – I imagine I’d be unstoppable now.
Then again, that is the definition of a participation trophy, and god forbid we give those out. But the result – whether good or bad – was always what brought out the biggest feelings from my caregivers: mild celebration or intense shame. It seemed to be all that mattered, and I chose to avoid it altogether.
I tried another singular directive in college – “focus” – but didn’t meet with the same long-term success. I can grind like a grunt for a couple of years at a time, but focusing is tough. Even with sporadic meditation practice.
I’m sure I’ve received tons of great advice over the last 42 years, but that one stuck because the results shocked me. All I did was show up, so to speak, and what happened when I showed up were As. I was sure that all that effort would still only yield Cs and Ds. I was convinced of it.
Now, the best advice I’ve been getting is from Mark Manson, author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. He’s been where many have been, and it seems like he wrote and chanced his way through it. I’ll never be a Mark Manson – I don’t think I could function at that level, but also, everyone’s journey is different.
If I could choose just a handful of meaningful goals and do my best work in meeting them, I will have what I feel I’ve been missing out on for most of my life.
Then I can learn to deal with the depression that follows success.
BLOG OF RHIANNIMATOR 