Hail Mary

I have written a couple of things in attempts to keep this blog updated on a weekly basis. I’m scared to post any of it. It was hard to write – even the fiction I took a stab at yesterday. 

A big part of me contends that the coming topics are too personal; they’re exhibitionistic self-flagellation involving others without their consent. I’m relieved that this blog is relatively anonymous but it might not always be that way. I’m a decent writer with something to say, but I have no predictions for how the passing world will respond. 

Oscar Wilde said, “Indifference is the revenge the world takes on mediocrity.” I’m as accepting of that as I can be, and still determined to try harder. When I found that quote, I found a couple others noting that a characteristic of mediocrity is self-satisfaction. 

Writing and sharing these imperfect reflections on my behavior is necessary as an act of courage and repentance, but I have to be careful because there’s also a part of me intent on self-destruction through this exposure. There’s a kernel of faith that it’s the right thing to do, regardless. The kernel is truly the size of a mustard seed, if that.

“The best way to get rid of our Distractions and to reclaim the problems that have been haunting us since childhood is to expose them, to share them, and recognize that a) no, you’re not a freak, most people struggle(d) with the same problem, and b) that your Distractions are just that: unhealthy ways to compensate for how shitty you feel about yourself.

“There’s an old saying that ‘sunlight is the best disinfectant.’ Well, that’s true for ourselves as well. The only way to cure the darkest parts of yourself is to shine light on them.”

Mark Manson

I’ll write about how I found Mark Manson another time, but I have come to rely on his weekly content updates. In almost every piece he publishes, he describes a former or shadow aspect of himself that I find relatable. He reminds his audience that despite his success, he’s flawed in ways he’s not entirely comfortable with.

Part of what drew me to him was that he’s the same age as I am, but exponentially smarter and more successful. I like to think if I had my shit together I could’ve built something similar, but that’s just envy. If there’s anything I can build, this is my attempt at it, and I don’t even know what it is. At best I’m a scrappy underdog like Johnny Lawrence from Cobra Kai, at worst… Well, stand by for my reflections on Mister Organ.

So, this post is a warning that I’m headed into dark territory. It makes me curdle because I have aspirations of writing comedy, but I also desperately need to do this. It’s starting to feel like my life depends on it in a now-or-never, do-or-die kind of way. A pattern is emerging that requires analysis and action: I seem to have a habit of destroying my closest relationships. 

For the longest time I have been determined on a semi-conscious level to do exactly that, clearing out “ground zero” for a cleaner self-inflicted demise. But all that’s accomplished is the slowest, most miserable crawl towards death you can imagine, enabling me to hurt anyone close enough to care.

Today I’m six months away from turning forty. Time’s running out and nothing is getting easier.