Lose 60 pounds. Read 104 books. Become financially competent. Write at least one blog post a week.
The usual round of desires to become a better version of myself. At least, maybe, more satisfied with the self I’m stuck with and can’t alchemize into someone else. I’m not going to list out all of my new year desires – there are more, and they’re a lot more personal.
You wanna hear the weird ones?
- Initiate contact with extra-dimensional entities – friendly ones, ideally.
- Tell the truth about how I suspect I’m the subject of a kind of Truman Show, and how a higher level of energy that I’ve been calling God has been communicating with me through screens big and small.
- Talk about how uncanny some albums are in being the voice I couldn’t muster to talk about my recent experiences – extemporaneously, even. I’ve been listening with focus to Nine Inch Nails’ [WITH_TEETH] for the first time and it’s freaking me out. Trent Reznor was my age while producing the album.
I was graced with another year of Medicaid and this time I’m gonna use it. First thing up on the list is a long overdue psychiatric evaluation. I convinced my PCP to refer me by telling him about my suspicions of schizophrenia, and he quizzed me but ended up only making a special note to check for ADHD. I need to investigate whether I’m on the spectrum and also see if I’ve got one of those antisocial personality disorders. I think I’m a likely candidate, given how difficult it is for me to navigate relationships sometimes. But maybe I’m just an ordinary asshole who has her own quirky way of dealing with other assholes, and it’s not that big a deal.
Speaking of assholes, I know I tend to write in this serious voice when I can’t think of anything to say, but my life is full of ridiculousness and one hope I have for this blog writing practice is to hone a style that can relate that ridiculousness without losing the awe I have for the great mystery of life…
I tore my asshole trying to force out a shit three months ago, and the incident felt very much like a mocking synopsis of how I deal with issues generally; as if God or The Audience voted to present me with this doomed-to-fail challenge to remind me that forcing myself to do things the hard way doesn’t mean I’m doing things the right way. It still hurts almost every time I take a shit, and while I can admit this to the faceless Internet, I have yet to muster the courage to bring this up face to face with a medical professional. Now that I’ve blogged about it, it feels like maybe that should be the next step.
I see my doctor again on Wednesday, and I’m going to give myself 1000 bonus points if I can tell him about it. If I can’t, I’ll resolve to get in touch with a gynecologist and tell her instead: 300 bonus points.
I feel I’ve overshared enough for this to be a legit blog now, so I’m gonna sign off. Good luck to you in the new year, thanks for reading, and may the Force be with us all.
BLOG OF RHIANNIMATOR 