It sounds like Justin Roiland’s career is over “following revelations that he faces felony charges of domestic violence.” (CNBC) He hasn’t been convicted by the courts, but his employers, presumably acting on behalf of the court of public opinion, have rendered their verdict.
I used to cheer on cancel culture in the interest of discouraging men in power from being awful; for thousands of years, they almost categorically seemed untouchable, so watching their careers (and supposedly their lives) crash and burn delivered a salty satisfaction.
But I hope we’re growing as a culture, which would mean growing as individuals. To me this means I gotta reconsider my methods about pretty much everything. After reading pages 65 and 66 in I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t) by Brené Brown, our 21st century tradition of publicly stripping a man of his livelihood hits different.
In an illuminating string of 701 words, Dr. Brown borrows from Harriet Lerner’s The Dance of Connection to offer a comparison of measures taken to deal with men who beat their wives: rehabilitation on a “platform of self-worth,” or punishment on a platform of shame and humiliation.
Per the former, Dr. Lerner shared the story of a guy named Ron who punched his wife in the face and stomach, then as a consequence was court-ordered to attend therapy. He resisted being in a “group of batterers” but was genuinely motivated to join a group that attended anger management classes.
In Dr. Lerner’s words:
“Ron was resisting the notion that his crime defined him. You might argue that Ron is a batterer and that any language that softens or obscures this fact leaves him less accountable for his actions, but Ron will be more likely to accept responsibility and feel remorse if he can view himself as more than a batterer. For people to look squarely at their harmful actions and to become genuinely accountable they must have a platform of self-worth to stand on. Only from the vantage point of higher ground can people who commit harm gain perspective. Only from there can they apologize…
“…We cannot survive when our identity is defined by or limited to our worst behavior. Every human must be able to view the self as complex and multidimensional. When this fact is obscured, people will wrap themselves in layers of denial in order to survive. How can we apologize for something we are, rather than something we did?”
Brené Brown contrasts Harriet Lerner’s rehabilitating compassion with the punitive sadism of Ted Poe, formerly a judge and U.S. Representative from Texas.
“In two separate cases Judge Poe ordered men who assaulted their wives to make public apologies in front of the Family Law Courthouse in downtown Houston. The apologies were delivered in front of hundreds of downtown employees during the lunch hour. In an editorial piece written by Poe and published in the Houston Chronicle, Poe defends his actions by writing, ‘Let those who would beat their wives, steal their neighbor’s property and abuse children feel the sting of the community’s intolerance, hear their names on our lips and pay the price in full view of the public. Shame on them or shame on us.’”
Below are Dr. Brown’s closing thoughts on this contrast between compassion and judgment.
“I leave you with these questions. If your husband was battering you and he was forced to apologize on the steps of City Hall in front of hundreds of people, would you like to be the woman he comes home to after his day of public shaming? Given what we know about shame and how it affects us, are we safer with him when he’s in shame or when he is repairing shame? Are we using shame as a punishment because we think it will foster a real change in people? Or are we shaming others because it feels good to make people suffer when we are in fear, anger or judgment?”
I hope the woman he’s charged with assaulting is healing in privacy, in a supportive environment, with the resources she needs. Unfortunately, there’s a high probability that the reactionary toxic element we all know and dread is looking for her now in order to retaliate for the actions of Roiland’s former employers.
At the top of the 701 words I’m shamelessly pasting these blocks of quotes from, Dr. Brown had said, “The time has come to explore the possibility that we are safer in a world where people aren’t mired in shame.”
BLOG OF RHIANNIMATOR 