There’s a draft in here that I’ve been holding on to for a while. I’m not sure when I copied it into my WordPress but it’s an entry from my private journal, written July 1, 2021.
It’s achingly vulnerable. It’s the kind of vulnerability that I think people want to read, even though I’m just another random unknown anonymous human. There’s a lot of pain in that entry along with my attempts to make sense of that pain. And, there are moments where the earnestness makes me a LOL target, but that’s the risk, and it’s small because of my anonymity. I want to edit some parts out but I worry that I’d be cutting away the very stuff that makes it worth reading.
As I review my journals from summer of 2021 to now, I’m wondering about developing a practice of scrap-booking certain entries or parts of entries to my WordPress drafts. I’m wondering how the story from then to December 2022 will emerge, if it’ll bring peace, or closure, or (my biggest hope) clarity. If I even remember to develop this practice at all.
One thing that holding that draft does for me is remind me of how powerful my writing can be as a tool for my own healing. Maybe for others, too – at some point – but as I write in my private diary I’m not really thinking about that. I do sometimes, out of fear of being hacked, but the container of privacy is a big factor in what allows me to reach down deep for the truth of what I’m feeling.
I have a lot of experience with my feelings clashing with my ideals. I wonder how much I actually lie to myself. It’s probably a lot because that tends to be the irony of someone who believes themselves to be deeply, doggedly, self-defeatingly honest – and tells people that they are.
I got a refresher on the Dunning Kruger effect by Mark Manson yesterday; the YouTube algorithm talking to me directly with no Divine influence whatsoever [/s] reminded me that being aware of cognitive bias does not prevent one from enacting those biases.
I’ve been in need of the kind of reality checks that keep my confidence from leading me into delusions of grandeur, but I’m also learning that I should probably have a higher self-esteem than I’ve been allowing myself.
One other irony I’ve encountered since 2020 is that not being aware of your power by way of underestimating it can cause chaos. Say, for example, you’re very good with people. You have a magnetic charisma that just seems to get you your way before you even know what you want. If you have this kind of charisma while being a self-hating misanthrope, you will easily and frequently find yourself in confusing situations.
So sometimes honest self-reflection will bring you the realization that you’re not as worthless and powerless as you’ve considered yourself, and until you take responsibility for that power, you may end up causing all kinds of drama and emotional harm.
Am I talking about narcissism? At the lay level, almost certainly. At the textbook level? None of my therapists formally came to that conclusion, though one of them accidentally dropped “Borderline Personality” during a session.
My writing can be funny, but I think the funnier shit is unintentional. That’s just how life is; I know I’m a ridiculous clown, even (and maybe especially) when I’m feeling sorry for myself, grieving the loss of something that was never meant for me. Which is fucking shattering as I feel it, but I believe in the formula that comedy equals tragedy plus time.
There’s huge value in not taking yourself too seriously. Enormous. Did you know Stanley Kubrick originally wanted to cast Steve Martin or Woody Allen as the male lead in Eyes Wide Shut? He said he wanted someone with “a comedian’s resilience.”
Turns out Tom Cruise is pretty fucking resilient. Remember how much everyone poked fun at him throughout the aughts while he was just trying to be a decent human Scientologist? Then he made Top Gun: Maverick and everyone who used to love ripping on him felt kind of redeemed by its characters and story. (I’m talking about underachieving Millennials like me with nothing to protect our overblown egos from the horrors of middle age.)
Anyway. This was another catch up entry to get me on track for putting out 104 posts this year. I’m putting trust in the idea that if I keep showing up with some degree of effort (attempting honesty and vulnerability), I’ll figure out what I’m trying to do and maybe even nail it.
BLOG OF RHIANNIMATOR 