I just have to do it. Consistency is a challenge for which showing up is the hardest part.
There’s so much meaning to infer from the chaos in my life that I’m overwhelmed. It’s just going to have to leak out in a slow drip and maybe if I continue chipping at it indirectly and weekly (that’s a pun), I’ll have something.
The experiment of loving everyone unconditionally continues, but I’ve hit a low point. I have complaints. First of all, it gives you a God complex; I can’t really explain how, through this practice, I came to really appreciate the part of the Lord’s Prayer where He said, “Thy will be done,” but it happened a few times early in the year. I had to beg God back into the driver’s seat, or rather I had to remember that I’m not actually in control apart from my own thoughts, words, and actions (and even then there’s a lot of determinism at work). What happens to and for others is thankfully not up to me outside of the way I speak to and treat them.
Second, this style of love truly is God’s own and it’s not only unwise but dangerous to attempt unconditional love if you aren’t also committed to a practice of strong but adaptable boundary setting. People can’t hurt God but they will absolutely fuck you. It’s useful to remember Prentis Hemphill’s definition of boundaries as the distance at which I can love you and myself simultaneously.
Now this is an adventure: learning how to love the people around you according to your and their unique needs for connection and a respectful distance. It’s maddening at times, and devastating. Most people don’t seem to know they’re even allowed to have boundaries, or they misunderstand the concept, so their lines are unclear until you cross them or they cross yours. We may tell each other directly to back up, which is my preference when I’m faced with this awkward but necessary circumstance, or they’ll more likely have some kind of trauma response like fight or flight. Then you gotta get space from each other so both your nervous systems can calm down and you can reconnect later, if at all.
I’ve started practicing boundaries with God. I’m more invested in this experiment now than with trying to love all that arises. And that narrative structure I mysteriously hinted at in the previous entry? I read a piece on Octavia Butler recently that revealed she already wrote the story I was planning to live.
[insert mind-blown emoji]
So I guess I’m off the hook and I need to seriously evaluate the way I live my life, because planning to manifest the plot of a sci-fi novel without realizing that that’s what I’m trying to do is cuckoo. Or mind-blowingly awesome, like being in a sexy collaborative partnership with the Universe itself.
But as I said, I’m setting boundaries, and He and I are on hiatus while I explore a more agnostic way of life because I feel like He’s been fucking around a little too much.
Really it’s my fault, of course. I used to think He was speaking to me through what I started to call the “mediaverse”: movies, music, literature. But it started to get overwhelming and I had to start saying no and shutting myself off to those channels. Now I understand that part of what I needed was to dial down the narcissism (“This is all for meeeeeeeee!”) and realize that whatever I was going through, however serendipitous/synchronous the media was at the time, the most reasonable explanation is the strongest: I am not unique in my experience. The more specifically an artist can articulate their pain, confusion, joy, etc, the more universally it can connect with an audience.
I’m working on a post that goes a little deeper into this, but for now suffice it to say I’m starting to get back to where I can enjoy the afforementioned media without apophenia getting in the way. It’s super important to me. The subheading of this blog says so.
*A note about the date: I wrote most of the above on December 13th, 2022. Today is January 11th, 2023, but the little unfinished bit I put here has value to me, so I’m going to backdate it.
BLOG OF RHIANNIMATOR 