At the beginning of August 2020 I finally sucked it up and got a job. I hadn’t been employed since February when the legislative session ended. I just want to make enough money to pay my few small bills and spend the rest of my time doing jack shit. Writing in this blog is part of that nothingness I enjoy, even when I have to force something at the last minute to make sure I’ve posted at least one thing each month.
My job is very physical – not at all intellectual except for figuring out how to navigate the network of relationships between co-workers. And how to solve odd problems like stacking boxes into tight spaces and wondering where to send packages that have bad labels – things like that.
I was about to apply for disability when I decided to apply to be a package handler first. I’d had a long and disappointing run in office settings where my anxiety was triggered almost daily, resulting in a kind of paralysis on the outside and a self-consuming spiral of depression on the inside. I wondered if doing something radically different, like a blue-collar grind that started in the wee hours of the morning, might be worthwhile.
Seven months in, and I feel that it was one of the best opportunities for change and self-healing that I’ve ever given myself.
It’s been very grounding to work on my feet, and whatever my neuroses may be – from anxiety and depression to ADHD – the repetitive, demanding motion and the way I can pretty much count on doing the same thing day after day has been more therapeutic than I could have anticipated.
And wouldn’t you know, not long after I started this job, I happened upon a very fitting soundtrack.
Blacktop Mojo is from Palestine, Texas. The stereotype of the South (that Southerners more than anyone else would like to come to people’s minds first) is that of a hardworking, grounded people. I think these guys qualify.
One of my favorite tracks from this album is called “Sweat” which is such a perfect anthem for the physically demanding grind. I loved that I had found a song that resonated with my new experience so well. There does arise some internal conflict over the… glorification? of one of the ugliest aspects of capitalism: the hard use of human bodies to build wealth for the 1%. I have to kind of square with that every time I listen (and every time I work), but I’m mostly in love with the intention of tribute this song pays to those who take pride in applying their bodies to a purpose they may have chosen for themselves. Obviously, no one wants to make the rich richer; we have to come up with our own goals to make the work worthwhile.
Another of my favorite tracks is “Shadows on the Wall,” which is basically Plato’s cave allegory. Beyond the beauty of these hard-working hard-rocking musicians being into philosophy, I hold hope that this song comes from disillusionment with toxic masculinity and conservatism, although the only thing anchoring that hope is the line, “How can I go back to darkness now and tell my brothers what I have found?” I know, it’s a stretch, but I want it so badly because this would have been a strong feeling to struggle with in 2017 when the album was released.
The rest of the album is just as solid and enjoyable as these two tracks I’ve mentioned, and I’d love to say more but it’s time to go to bed so I won’t be completely dead when my alarm goes off at 2AM tomorrow morning.
BLOG OF RHIANNIMATOR 