Still standing, somehow. Unable to accumulate dust but I see particles dancing in sunbeams through the greenery that I imagine has sprung through the creaking floor boards. I want to see lush ivies gently choking out my old thoughts, crawling over and obscuring all the text. Into my mouth, around my neck before I put down more thoughts for a future self to regret.
I should be more clear. It’s hard when you’re confused. You’re not confused – I’m confused. I don’t know who or where I am. All the writing I do is in search of that, hoping to strike a vein of capital-t Truth and see reality for what it is and to stay with it.
This strange voice I write in when I’m being obscure in public – I don’t know where it comes from or how I got it. Doesn’t feel authentic except when I’m depressed.
All I wanted today was to drop by. Every time I visit here (about once a year) I get exactly the same rush as when I find some ruined old house. I want to play in it like it’s still livable. It used to be someone’s sanctuary. Even weirder that it was mine.
Bet I can write better under a fake name. I might have a stalker or two, so this is no longer as safe a place as I’d prefer. I can’t really let loose unless I feel safe, and anonymity and obscurity are safe. How heroic are they who dare greatly and fail publicly.
Anyway, a real blog needs a theme. For years I haven’t been able to figure out a theme. I just have to accept it for what it is: a humiliating practice space. A place where I try to relive my high school glory days of being really good at writing essays by trying to be really good at writing media analyses and failing miserably. Anyway, all the good analysts are photogenic enough to have their main platform be YouTube, and I’m getting older by the day.
Fuck. I really want to start a YouTube channel. Even if no one watches it. That’ll be a whole new level of humiliation. Giving my best shot before a vast emptiness.
But the step right before that would be a podcast that no one listens to. And before that, a blog that no one reads (except the stalkers).
BLOG OF RHIANNIMATOR 