Gonna marathon the “Suggestions For You” line. First up: THE ABANDONED. Aggregate Netflix Rating: 1.5/5 stars. pic.twitter.com/BS404pb3Fs
— Rhiannimator (@rhiannimator) June 16, 2016
I love horror. Always have. But I’m also hard as fuck to please. Other fans give me a lot of side-eye and declare themselves “horror-obsessed” compared to me because of my dislike of most B-level cult darlings and predictable jump scare flicks.
It’s taken me years to figure out what it is exactly that puts my list of good movies at odds with those of my horror-loving friends, but I’ve broken it down to three things. This month’s marathon will put the criteria below to the test.
A distinction I should make before I go on is that I narrow down the genre further by separating thrillers from horror films. This is really my hubbie’s idea and it was a point of contention early in our relationship. When he said the Saw movies weren’t horror, I thought them was fightin’ words until I realized he had an excellent point.
Thrillers are often found in the horror section because of their violent and suspenseful intensity, but the reason I don’t list these as proper horror films anymore is because the antagonist is human. A human monster, sure, but ultimately someone who can be thrown in jail or killed like the rest of us.
I feel this is a solid line to draw because then what’s left are films about a darker, more obscure kind of unknown – the good stuffs like monsters and the supernatural. And as a major bonus (for me, at least), it also removes crap like The Human Centipede and most Eli Roth movies. Ugh. Sorry/not sorry, gore-porn is tedious and annoying.
If I dislike a horror movie, it’s usually because of one or more of the following:
- It wasn’t scary.
- There was no driving mystery or if there was, it was tepid.
- The characters were hateful, one-dimensional idiots.
That last one’s self-explanatory and is one of the first reasons haters will cite for why they don’t like the genre. Horror is known for having unrealistically stupid characters who exist only as meat for the beast. It’s lazy writing that causes the audience to root against the very vehicles of the story; characters we should identify and sympathize with.
Number 2 in the list may not be as obvious, but it’s my observation that some of the better horror films out there are driven by a mystery, which is as basic as wanting to know why all this horrible shit is happening.
In horror, there has to be a compelling mystery to bait us through the grind of emotional torment that is our own fear. Ideally, answers will be provided but if they aren’t, it’s not a deal breaker. In fact, one of my pinnacle horror experiences, Silent Hill 2, left a lot of shit unanswered. I feel that this alone is what left me feeling so haunted in the years immediately following the game’s release. Maybe for experiences like Silent Hill 2, it’s not just the why that we’re after, but also the how. How was any of that shit possible? I had to know. And I had to know why. And that was the only reason I endured such intense, mortifying emotional torture. Curiosity gets the best of us stupid primates.
Finally, number 1, and this will be short: If it’s not scary, why the fuck am I here? I came looking for horror. By definition, I expect to dance with one of my most primitive and volatile emotions: fear. If the movie doesn’t scare me, it has no place in my horror collection. Ain’t wasting my time with it.
To be fair, there is one way around this. Maybe the movie has great atmosphere. That’s the only thing I can think of that would redeem a movie somewhat if it also misses my other two criteria. But that has to be some beautiful, oppressive fucking atmosphere.
So, all that said, I’m ready to test my theory. Let’s see if I find more exceptions or if my carefully constructed parameters fail me at any point. I promise to be fair.
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